Shame is a horribly painful emotion that can cause us an enormous amount of mental and emotional anguish. It functions silently, affecting our every thought and behavior and most of all relationships even while we are not so acutely aware. Over time shame can wear away at our dignity and chip away at the walls of isolation and keep us from expressing ourselves fully in life. Here are the five ways shame is destroying you, and how to fix it (with examples of solutions)
Making You Very Defensive
The first and most obvious way is a defense mechanism. When we shame, our self-worth is being criticized and of course in response, we naturally armor ourselves. This defensiveness can look like blame deflection or anger when others point out mistakes or offer criticism. The byproduct is that you end up creating a routine: pushing everyone away to protect yourself from feeling vulnerable.
For example, if someone gives you feedback that could help you grow and develop, instead of opening up to the possibility of learning about your areas of improvement, you may get defensive or try to justify your current stance. This behavior reveals the shame you carry, makes sure everyone sees it, and then strengthens your conviction that you are just…bad. To preserve your self-image you put up emotional barriers that do not let you mature and build good relationships.
Solution: The solution to this vicious cycle is realising you are defensive and asking yourself “What I am really experiencing’. The answer is usually as shame or inadequacy. When you face up to these feelings, you can start letting your guard down and take feedback more effectively because now the learning room has been opened without feeling attacked.
Creating an Inability to Take Any Kind of Feedback
Similar to defensiveness is an inability to receive feedback. Shame tells us, “I am bad” or I am less or worthless and so when we receive constructive criticism that only further underpins this notion of ourselves. Due to this, we might either shy away from situations where feedback is anticipated or refuse any bit of it that comes our way.
This can be detrimental, particularly in professional or self-improvement contexts. Those who have a hard time with feedback may stunt their career growth, not be able to learn important topics or things at all, and will struggle to maintain healthy relationships. Feedback is so important, because everybody has blind spots and we basically cannot grow without feedback.
Solution: Learn how to receive feedback and use it as a learning tool rather than as an attack on your capabilities. Constructive criticism is a way we aspire to be better ourselves, too. Take baby steps towards bringing feedback into ever-expanding zones of your work life, and let these be the less daunting places to begin.
A Deep Need to Painfully Perfect and Attack Anyone Who Challenges That
Perfectionists tend to be hard on themselves, as their perfectionism is fueled from shame. If you feel as if your not good enough, sometimes you might try to cover that up by becoming perfect at everything. It can start out just as wanting, Most of us are introduced to perfectionism at a young age and believe that it is the way to prove to the world ( and ourselves ) that we have what it takes but perfect does not exist- perfect sets you up for an endless chase.
Additionally, shame-driven perfectionism often results in anger directed at anyone who shatters the illusion of perfection. When someone points out an error or flaw, this brings to the forefront, lingering feelings of not being good enough and may be met by shouting or defensive behavior. You might even start attacking the person who said it, because you feel that his or he statements undermine your fragile sense of control and competency.
Solution: Surrender the perfection and aim for progress. Any kind of perfectionism is an unreasonable goal which results in disappointment and relational damage. If you become more vulnerable and realise that everyone makes mistakes, you can start edging away from the unhelpful notion that your value is dependent on perfection.
Inability to Ask for Help or Your Needs to Be Met
Shame can be a huge barrier to asking for help or expressing your needs. If you think needing help or being dependent on someone makes you weak, you will run as far away from the prospect of asking for support. This mentality comes from a place of not being good enough if you can’t do it alone, which is another lie we tell ourselves.
But this refusal to receive help stems can lead you right into the rut of burnout, isolation and frustration. People will always need help whether that help is in the form of emotional support from a partner, mentor advice or even someone to drive you home after a breakdown. They just reinforce that cycle of shame and disconnection, by denying yourself this most basic human requirement.
Solution: Begin by recognizing that seeking assistance is not a sign of inferiority but a signal of power & introspection. Going back to rule 1 of vulnerability, give it a shot in “small” ways by expressing yourself or asking for help with something minor. You will learn this the more you ask for help not only voids shame through a connection but you are able to unchain.
Lack of Meaningful Emotional Intimacy in Your Close Relationships
n close relationships, shame is perhaps at its most pernicious. It can (and usually does) build walls between individuals that keep them from real intimacy and connection. You might feel like, if people actually knew the real you, they would leave. You hold partsof yourself in, so as not to be too intense for the other person.
This lack of emotional closeness can show up in different forms from only skimming the surface in conversation to hiding anything that requires vulnerability or closing off completely. Your inability to truly be you makes your relationships meaningless. They may feel distant from you, like there is a wall surrounding you, even if they cannot detect it consciously.
Hint: In order to create more profound connections, you have to get over your guilt first. This can include therapy, journaling or talking to someone about how you feel. The more you can stop believing that you are unlovable; the easier it becomes to trust, opening-hearted and from this will flow a bond in connections around deep emotional intimacy.
Conclusion
Shame is a toxic feeling and it can stealthily ruin everything from our personal development to the most important relationships in our lives. This inflames defensiveness, perfectionism, and isolates a feedback loop difficult to sidestep. But you can start chipping away at the power it has over your life by understanding how shame shows up and doing what you can to confront it.
Whether it be getting comfortable with feedback, asking for help, or navigating profound emotional intimacy, rewiring shame is the path of vulnerability, self-compassion and courage. If you’re experiencing the pain of shame or noticing that it’s affecting your relationships, try speaking with a therapist who can help create some distance between yourself and these feelings and teach healthier mechanisms to manage them.
If you are trying to seek help, you might start with individual counselling around healing these deep emotions. We are proud to provide services designed to relieve the burden, by helping you come who understand your shame and take steps not only to become more disconnected from that feeling but making new choices that will lead a life fulfilled in other ways.
When you recognize where shame is coming from and begin to work on this, you take charge of your emotional health again, opening yourself up for better relationships and growth.